11.20.2014

My Struggles #2

As if recent heart surgery from the Great Physician and the challenge to keep my marriage fresh and vibrant wasn't enough, I am now experiencing anxiety in great proportions. It has come in like a lion and continues to steal my joy and peace.

How did I get here?

Since the day darkness crept in I have lost six pounds and still counting with a depleted appetite. My sleep has been disrupted as well with a busy mind that comes and goes in extended intervals. Holding on hour by hour with overwhelming feelings as if I am literally breaking -- my heart crushed in a million bits.

Lord, what’s my testimony?


I am trying desperately to keep it together for the sake of my daughter. There is no one definitive answer as to why, but it's rather a culmination of circumstances, which has brought me here. Here there is little hope with a weary spirit and a mind that is preoccupied with life-changing what ifs. Though it's unfortunate, still I forge ahead with prayer, support, and search for comfort in music and my bible. Those closest say they see progress, and encourage me to keep honest with myself as this struggle breaks up the fallow ground*.

fallow-ground in the Bible:
The expression, "Break up your fallow ground" (Hos. 10:12; Jer. 4:3) means, "Do not sow your seed among thorns", i.e., break off all your evil habits; clear your hearts of weeds, in order that they may be prepared for the seed of righteousness. Land was allowed to lie fallow that it might become more fruitful; but when in this condition, it soon became overgrown with thorns and weeds. The cultivator of the soil was careful to "break up" his fallow ground, i.e., to clear the field of weeds, before sowing seed in it. So says the prophet, "Break off your evil ways, repent of your sins, cease to do evil, and then the good seed of the word will have room to grow and bear fruit."

Even now, five years later as I put this post together God has revealed yet another amazing revelation through the phrase, scripture and meaning of fallow ground. He permitted the hell I was in, knowing that during the restoration process He was preparing my spirit for seeds of righteousness. I was willing to surrender under the authority of Christ who I was for the possibility of who I could become. God is committed to my long-range good no matter my struggles this side of heaven. He is invested in my victory. He sees my end from the beginning…and I win. I overcome. I conquer. I surrender and yield. I am because He is. He is continually loving me and for me—no matter what. Even when I am unfaithful He is constant, consistent, and capable.

But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

I am here to testify that Jesus reached down in my pit and rescued me when I was willing to be broken and depend solely on Him. I have learned, loved, forgiven, and grown. As of November 2012 I answered the call of Christ as an ordained minister, and today I am reaching the hopeless and discouraged during my ordinary day as a mom. God is faithful to bring about His scheduled opportunities to be His voice, and I am humbled to be in His service, while giving the devil a black eye.

In the years 2011 and 2012 I wrote over fifty posts on a read by invitation only blog where I shared intimate details of my breakthrough and the courage it took to change. It was written as a seedling of what was to come. To God be the glory it is happening! The following works are my own and may or may not be included in part or whole in my autobiographical testimony. My prayer is that my willingness to be vulnerable will help others on their journey to victory, this side of heaven. Follow along as I post snippets here under one label (see below) leading up to the publication in 2015/2016.

To God be the Glory for the things He has done!
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